Personal Post: Layin' it All Out

I’m not gonna lie to y’all—this post is not going to be easy for me to write.  But when I started this blog, I meant for it to be a safe place for me to talk about this adventure Mr. B and I are on—an adventure as husband and wife, home owners, artists, and eventually, parents.  I haven’t felt like I can talk to many people about this process of creating a family, and most of that is due to the fact that I have always claimed that I didn’t want to have kids—pretty vehemently (I am nothing if not stubborn and set in my ways).  So as it became more and more clear to me that I do want to have a child, I found it hard to share my thoughts, worries, and anxieties about everything pregnancy/mommy related.  Hence, this blog was born (pun intended). 

At this point, this blog is not as anonymous as I would have once intended, but I have realized in order for me to share with you some experiences that will be coming my way soon, I have to explain my experiences from the past couple months.  Pretty soon you will realize just why I was gone for so long.  I will warn you now, this post is long and personal, and if that’s not your thing, I totally understand.  If you want to turn back now, I promise I won’t be offended (and really, how will I know?).  You’ve been warned.  Here we go…

Mr. B and I started the serious baby talk around August or September of last year.  I think deep down we both knew that kids were going to happen at some point, despite some of our protests to the opposite.  We figured we would start trying some time around March or April, which would give us a perfectly timed baby for our teacher schedules.    In October, I stopped taking birth control to give it some time to get out my system (some of my internet reading led me to believe it could take MONTHS for this to happen).  At the end of December, I started feeling a little weird.  Tired.  Emotional.  And the biggest change?  I no longer wanted alcohol.  Mr. B and I were on our way out to eat at a Mexican restaurant one night right after Christmas and I actually said to him, “Know how I know I’m pregnant?  The idea of a margarita sounds really gross right now.”  (I promise, I’m not an alcoholic.  I am, however, a teacher.)

On December 30^th, I took a pregnancy test.  Then I went out and bought a more expensive one and took that too.  Both of them were very clearly positive.  In my mind, I had visions of doing something super cute to tell Mr. B the good news, but I was so shocked I just walked out into the living room and showed him the pee stick (lovely, I know).  He was even more shocked than I was—not having experienced first-hand the exhaustion, crying, and aversion to alcohol—so it took a little bit of time for the news to sink in.

The next day we left for a New Year’s Eve trip to Vegas (just where you want to be when you just found out you’re expecting, right?).  I have to say, this trip will live in my memories for a long time.  I have never, ever come close to doubting my relationship with Mr. B, but this trip cemented in my mind how amazing he is.  Considering this was something we were not expecting for several more months, he truly rose to the occasion—making sure I had everything I needed (including multiple naps and boxes of Saltines) and coming back to the room with me before midnight each night.  I think on this trip we both started to actually get excited about becoming parents.

We told a few people our good news when we got home from our trip, but we decided to wait to make the big announcement until after our first doctor’s appointment.  Everything seemed peachy at the appointment until we got to the first ultrasound.  The doctor informed us that while things should be seven weeks along, they were only measuring six, and where we should be hearing a heartbeat, none appeared.  He prepared us for the worst, and sent me off for a blood test.  Two days later, I had another one.  Two days later, we found out that the pregnancy was not viable, and I was given my options: wait for a miscarriage to happen naturally, take a pill to induce a miscarriage, or have a surgical procedure to clear out the uterus.  I decided to wait for a few days to see if things would happen on their own, but I didn’t last long with that.  I was constantly worrying about something happening—especially during class.  I finally called my doctor to ask for the drug (that experience might be a whole post on its own).  It was a pretty miserable experience that lasted about five or six hours, but once it was over, it was over—physically anyway.

It has been about two weeks since I took the drug to induce the miscarriage, and physically speaking I am back to normal.  I have had some amazing support from some great friends and family and I am having plenty of good days.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like I was never pregnant in the first place.  Then there are the moments when I still feel pretty empty inside.  Seeing nurseries pinned on Pinterest, or friends posting pics of their baby bumps on Facebook kinda makes me feel depressed.  Or angry.  Or annoyed.  Depends on the day.  But things do seem to be getting better.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this post is because I know so many women have been in this situation, or have had their own struggles with getting pregnant, but it isn’t something that most people talk about.  There have been times over the past couple of weeks that I have felt so alone and like no one understood my struggles, but I know the opposite is true.  Over the next couple of months, as Mr. B and I begin to think about trying to get pregnant again, I want to share my honest experiences and feelings with my readers on this blog—that is one of the main reasons I started Bees Times Three.  I also want anyone who reads this to walk away knowing that there is someone out there who gets it.  I am sure that the next few months are not going to be easy, and I want to be able to share my struggles--for my own sanity and for anyone out there who may be going through the same thing.  I will still be sharing all of my other life adventures, but this would be a pretty big one to ignore.

If you have made it this far, thanks for hanging in there.  I promise there won’t be any (or at least not many) posts this long again!  I appreciate the “listening” ears.